Sirius, his Spoinkle and a Diabolical Plot
by An-Jelly-Ca
Summary: Susie the Spoinkle is back! Keep in mind that everything is not as it appears. Pure Dialogue. Read and Review.


**A/N Hello, my darling readers, I have returned with a sequel to my story A Tale of Spoinkles. Read and Review it please.**

**Dedication: To all who read, reviewed, and favorited "A Tale Of Spoinkles."**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Other than Susan Penelope of course.**

"Remus?"

"Yes, James?"

"You-uh, haven't happened to see Sirius today, have you?"

"Unfortunately, yes, I saw him this morning, he was going on about how he and "Susie" were going to play Quidditch together, which begs the question has he hit his head again? Or managed to get a hold of some coffee, despite the fact that McGonagall –quite rightly- banned the house elves from supplying him with any?"

"Yes, well, as to the head injury, I do not believe he was suffering from one _earlier_. At least not one brought on by me."

"What do you mean, earlier?"

"Ah, well, it seems that our dear eccentric (crazy) Padfoot was walking downstairs with his stupid yoyo when he happened to run into Bellatrix, who found it most amusing to um, pop "Susie," and well…Sirius fell down the stairs in his mad dash to kill his cousin…"

"He's okay, though, right?"

"I suppose so…more or less…depending upon whether you mean physically or mentally…"

"But he was never mentally okay."

"True, true. Unfortunately he has taken Susie's "death" quite hard…"

"Let me guess, he is storming around the school threatening to kill his cousin?"

"Unfortunately, no,"

"So, he has finally realized that "Susie" is just a spiky yo-yo and of no consequence?"

"Wrong again, he is kneeling by the bottom of the staircase sobbing over Susie's "dead body," I left Peter with him."

"…"

"Um, Remus, this is no time to be going into shock, we need you to come fix him…I think he's broken."

"…lead the way…we can only hope that we can get him to collect himself before he makes even more of a scene…we may have to knock him unconscious though…"

"Remus, has anyone ever told you that you're really kind of scary?"

"Yes."

"G-good to know."

"Indeed,"

-Time Skip-

"Peter..."

"Yes, James?"

"Where exactly did Sirius go?"

"Um, well, see, he was all hysterical so I gave him some coffee-"

"You WHAT?"

"Now, don't go getting upset, Remus, it's bad for your blood pressure."

"My blood pressure is hardly the issue here,"

"I don't know about that…remember, what Promfrey said about you being too stressed out?"

"Yes, well, having lunatics for best friends does that to a person. Anyway, continue, Peter, you gave Sirius some coffee and then what happened?"

"Well, he got this really scary manic gleam in his eye gathered up the pieces of his yoyo and ran off…"

"And you didn't follow him because…?"

"Well, you told me to wait here while you got Remus."

"I also told you to _watch_ Sirius."

"I did _watch_ him, I watched him run off."

"That is _so_ helpful, Wormtail, I can't even begin to describe how helpful it is."

"I'm glad you feel that way, James, because I was worried you'd be upset."

"ME, **upset**? Of course _not_. Why, on earth could I possibly be **upset** about you managing to lose an _emotionally-disturbed, possibly psychotic_ SIRIUS in the school?"

"Why, indeed?"

"Just take some deep breaths, James and try to calm down."

"Do you realize that Sirius, Sirius Black, suffering from a head injury and apparently highly caffeinated not to mention INSANE, is somewhere in this school probably planning to kill all of Slytherin house or something equally likely to get him expelled and therefore not allowed to play in our Quidditch match on Friday."

"Not to make you angrier or anything, but knowing Sirius he'll probably take a mourning leave from Quidditch or something because of the terrible loss of his dear Susie."

"Peter?"

"Yes, Remus?"

"Stop helping before James has an apoplexy."

"Okay."

"Anyway, James, there's no need to freak out, we'll just head back to our dormitory and get the map out and use it to locate Sirius before he does any more great harm."

"How did you get to be so smart, Moony?"

"…hey, isn't that Sirius over there?"

"SIRIUS! Get over here, NOW!"

"Remus has a scary teacher voice, have you noticed that?"

"I have indeed, Wormtail, I hope this doesn't mean that our dear Moony will join the dark side when he graduates."

"MOOOOOOOOONYYY! Did you hear about what happened to my poor Susie?"

"There, there, Sirius."

"You'll come to her funeral right?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"RIGHT?"

"Um, of course, Sirius if you want…when is it?"

"Right now, we better get going, see I already got Susie this casket."

"That is uh, quite a lovely casket, Padfoot."

"I thought so. I'm quite glad you agree, Moony. I thought you could give Susie's eulogy seeing as how you were always…so…so-"

"Is he crying again?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"So close to her, you'll give her eulogy right?"

"…"

"…yeah, Remus, you'll give her eulogy right? Seeing as how you and Susie were always so very, very close."

"…shut up, James."

"It's okay, Remus, I understand that you are only lashing out at me because of your profound grief."

"I'll give you something to grieve about, Prongs."

"C'mon we need to get to Susie's funeral or else my alibi will never hold…I mean, um, waaaaaaaaaah, how will I survive without my spoinkle…I am so helpless and hysterical without her…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Let's get moving!"

-Time Skip-

"James, you'll dig her gr-gra-grave r-right?"

"Is he gonna cry again?"

"Try to be more sensitive, Peter. Besides, I think he's going to make James suffer now."

"R-right, seeing as how you and Susie were so very close, I know how much you loved her."

"Yeah, James, remember how _close_ you and Susie were, in fact, I seem to recall you saying that you know no girl _quite_ like Susie."

"Aww, Jamsie, it means so much to me and Susie that you feel that way. Now get to digging: her grave must be at least seven feet deep as befits her noble nature."

"…Gah! He's impossible to say no to, with those sad, puppy dog eyes, it's really unfair."

"I know that, and so does he and he takes full advantage of that fact. Why do you think I'm giving a eulogy for Susie?"

"Because, you were so _terribly_ fond of her, right Remy, that's what you always told me?"

"Er, right, Sirius."

"Good, because it would crush my _poor, bereaved_ heart to think that you did not love Susie."

"…ugh, how exactly do you expect me to dig this hole without a shovel, Pads?"

"Transfigure one, _duh_."

"Yeah, James, _duh_."

"Shut up, Remus."

-Time skip-

"Alright, let's chuck the yoyo in the grave and get moving."

"Peter! Try to be more sensitive or else you'll send him back into hysterics."

"Noooo, _Susie_, noooo, how could she leave _me_ here alone?!"

"Remus, make with the eulogy, before he kills himself or something."

"Gee, James, thanks for that _cheerful_ image. But, I will as you say make with the eulogy."

"Just make sure the eulogy conveys just how _sorrowful_ you feel on this sad, sad occasion."

"I'll try."

"See that you do."

"…shut up, James. Anyway, we are gathered here on this sad, sad, and did I mention _sad_ occasion, to commemorate the _life _of a certain yoyo- I mean uh, _person_ by the name of Susan Penelope Spoinkle Puff-Black, fondly known as Susie by all those who held her in high regard or were forced to by their slightly manic-depressive best friends. Susie was a wonderful yo-yo who was always there to support her uh, friends, especially Sirius Black who she was especially fond of. She will live in the memories of all those who loved her."

"T-that was _so_ beautiful!"

"…is he crying again?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Alright, disregarding that it's time to lower Susie into her eternal grave."

"No! I can't just leave Susie lying their cold and alone in that grave!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Did he just throw himself in the grave, James?"

"Look's like it."

"So, it wasn't just me then?"

"Nope."

"…do you guys ever get the feeling Sirius is just the smallest, teensiest bit insane?"

"Everyday, Pete."

"Glad it's not just me."

"We should probably fish him out of the grave…"

"…yeah."

"SUSSSSSSSSIEEEEEEEEE don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Or we can have him committed."

"Definitely."

"Let's just take him to Promfrey and get him a calming draught."

"Excellent suggestion, Remus."

"…"

"…"

"Okay, now that we fished him out of the grave let's just leave a grave marker and bring him to Promfrey."

"NO, NOT PROMFREY, SHE'S SCARY!!"

"Shh, Sirius, _of course_ we aren't going to take you there."

"Really, Remus?"

"_Really_."

-Time Skip-

"NO! You lied! You all lied, I can't trust anyone anymore!"

"…what exactly is going on boys?"

"Oh, hello, Poppy dear, you see Sirius here is just the taddest bit upset and we thought he could do with a calming draught."

"…Clearly."

"I don't want a calming draught! NOO!"

"We're going to have to force it down his throat."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"NOOOOO!"

"There we go, he should begin to calm down in just a few moments."

"…the world is a beautiful place, full of BEAUTIFUL people, such as you yourself, Poppy, darling, everything is wonderful, _absolutely_ wonderful, positively _amazing_!"

"Um, is that supposed to happen?"

"No, Mr. Potter, it is not. It would appear that Mr. Black is having an allergic reaction to the calming draught leave it to him to manage to be allergic to a calming draught."

"You four, explain yourselves! I cannot believe you would stoop to pulling such a prank on your fellow classmates."

"Minerva, what on earth are you doing here?"

"Looking for these four, do you know what kind of havoc they have wreaked on their fellow students?"

"No, what have they been up to?"

"Why are you looking at us so suspiciously Poppy, darling, we would never do such a thing, whatever that thing is."

"Because you're always up to something."

"I'll tell you what is going on, Poppy. This afternoon every member of Slytherin house found them in quite the predicament. For starters all the girls had their hair shaved off, and the boys found themselves trapped in female clothes, and they somehow managed to change the password to the Slytherin portrait, so that none of the Slytherins can get inside, and every single Slytherin found their wand replaced with a fake one which shoots out bits of paper which say "boo, you suck!" All in all, it is a very Marauder-esque prank, no?"

"Indeed, it is, what do you boys have to say for yourself."

"The world is a wonderful, lovely place, do you guys see the beautiful colors, everything is so bright, and cheerful and…"

"What on earth is wrong with that boy?"

"Allergic reaction to a calming draught."

"Ah."

"Anyway, Minnie, we didn't do it!"

"Disregarding the nickname, where were you doing approximately thirty minutes ago?"

"We were at a funeral."

"Do try to come up with a more believable excuse, Mr. Potter."

"It's true. Sirius' er, spoinkle-"

"Are you talking about his stupid spiky yo-yo?"

"SUSIE IS NOT STUPID! She is beautiful like all things in this wonderful, beautiful worrrrrrrrrrrlddddddddddddd!"

"You see, Professor, Bellatrix Black exploded Susie into little tiny pieces and Sirius so distraught over this action saw fit to hold a funeral in honor of his friend. You'll find the grave outside. We had nothing to with this we were outside the whole time."

"…rest assured that I will be checking on your alibi, Mr. Potter."

"I expected no less from you, Minnie."

-Time Skip One Day Later-

"…I wonder who pulled off that prank on the Slytherins,"

"It looks like we have some serious competition, James."

"No, we don't have some _serious_ competition, you have some _Sirius_ competition."

"What are you talking about Sirius?"

"I did it, _duh_! You think I could let Bellatrix get away with almost killing Susie? As if!"

"First off, Padfoot, she didn't _almost_ kill Susie, she _did_, Susie is gone, dead, never coming back, second, how on earth could you manage that when you were at Susie's funeral."

"Well, firstly, Bellatrix didn't get Susie; she got my Susie decoy (a rock transfigured into a Susie look-alike), as if I would ever put Susie in such danger. I then tricked Peter into giving me caffeine, ran away, set up the prank on a time release spell, found you guys and took you to the funeral thereby providing us with an iron-clad alibi."

"That's positively brilliant."

"More like diabolical..."

"Why, thank you James, Remus."

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Padfoot."

"Oh, I will. Anyway, Susie and I had better get going, we have places to be."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Now that he's gone, does anyone wish that Susie had actually died?"

"Me!"

"As if we could be so lucky."

"Aww, Rem, don't be such a downer, maybe Sirius will outgrow childish toys one day."

"Yeah, right."

"…well, we can only hope."

**The end…or is it?**

**A/N Review, please!**


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